Finding the Light
by DarkNightMistress
Summary: Reid tries to cope despite his condition, but Morgan may be the one who truly needs someone to bring him back from the dark. Follows "Face the Dark." Morgan/Reid pre-slash.
1. Chapter 1

_Follows "Face the Dark"  
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_Disclaimer: I own nothing except my original characters and storylines. Characters are fictional and not a depiction of their portrayers._

_Summary: __Reid tries to cope despite his condition, but Morgan may be the one who truly needs someone to bring him back from the dark.  
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_Pairing: Morgan/Reid pre-slash. (If this changes to a romantic pairing it will be noted accordingly.)  
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_Warnings: None that I can see...but I've been wrong before.  
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_Notes: I know not everyone was happy with my decision to cut this story into two parts, but here's the deal: when I started this story I had only one, simple scene in mind and that was all I wanted to write. As time has gone on this saga has taken on a life of it's own and gone in directions I did not set out for or expect. Even while writing the below it changed on me yet again. Sometimes writing just does that to you, and sometimes that's the best kind of writing. It was also important to me to make a clean break because I believe "Face the Dark" (despite some people's nay-saying) DOES have an ending. It's just a sad, dark, painful ending. But in terms of the story surrounding the cave in, that part was over for me, and I COULD have stopped there. Honestly, I almost did. But I can't. The other reason I am considering this a "part 2" or "sequel" or "conclusion" (whatever you want to call it) is because for the first time ever, I am writing in Reid's voice. I have never tried this before...I always write from Derek's perspective...and this makes me a little nervous. And excited. Yet again, this is something I did not expect to happen, but suddenly I found myself in Reid's mind and, well, I couldn't get back out again. If you've followed the storyline from "Face the Dark," welcome! If you are new to this story, welcome! If you are unhappy with my decision and don't want to stick it out, that's fine too. To each their own. I respect that._

_~DNM  
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_Not season specific. Apologies for any OOC behavior. I have very limited knowledge of the FBI and the medical field._

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><p><strong>Finding the Light<strong>

Once, he had stared down the barrel of a gun knowing that the single bullet left inside could take his life in an instant. He had always wondered, since that moment, if he had been brave to look death in the face or if he had simply lost hope, was done submitting to torture and desperate to protect those he loved. He still did not know the answer to that question, whether he was brave or a coward, whether he was giving up or sacrificing himself. In the end it didn't matter. He had succeeded in using his wits to save his life. It had also cost him a portion of his soul he was only now beginning to regain.

He felt as though he was looking down the barrel of that gun once more, only now there were only two chambers; one with a bullet that would end all hope, and one, empty, that would be his salvation. He thought he might prefer the gun. The decision would be made for him in an instant, not this long, slow, torturous waiting. A fifty-fifty chance. That is what he had.

He had put his life in danger before, willing to sacrifice himself for his team, willing to take a chance if only it would protect the innocent. He had made impulsive decisions, run ahead into dangerous situations, taken off his bullet proof vest and faced a mad man, all the time knowing what he was risking, but acting on impulse and relying on his mind to save him.

He could not use his intellect alone to get out of this one.

He hated – _hated_ – feeling helpless, as he did now. He had begun to resent his friends for acting like they understood what he was going through, because there was no way they possibly could. He had even begun to resent Derek, and he despised himself for that, because Derek had been his rock since the day he had opened his eyes and found himself in darkness.

He heard the lock of the front door click and leapt up, determined not to let Derek know he had spent all day in bed. Again. And that he had forgotten to eat lunch. Again. When his right foot hit the ground it jarred all the way up to his hip and he cursed under his breath. 3 months of torturous physical therapy that he'd driven himself through with a desperation to have control over _something_ in his life had succeeded in healing most of his injuries and strengthening his injured legs, but his right hip was stubborn and didn't seem to want to catch up to the rest of his body.

"Spencer?"

"Be right there!" he maneuvered his way to the door, counting his steps until he reached the hall and turned toward Derek's voice. His heart was in his throat. This was a conversation he had been putting off for weeks now, but it was one that needed to be had. He wasn't looking forward to Derek's reaction.

He could hear Derek stepping onto the linoleum floor of the kitchen and setting bags on the counter. He reached the doorway and stopped, a hand on the frame. "Hey."

A pause, and he was sure Derek was assessing him. "Did you stay in bed all day again?"

"No," Spencer retorted, and mentally cursed his petulant tone.

"Did you eat lunch?"

"Yes, mom."

"How's the hip?"

"Not bad. You're off the clock, you know? You can stop with the interrogation."

An audible sigh and then Derek was walking toward him. He felt fingers running through the long strands of his hair, snagging on a tangle. "Your hair's a mess."

"And who, pray tell, am I supposed to be brushing it for?" He was being snotty but he really didn't care. He could tell from the accusation in Derek's tone that he knew Spencer had been lying.

Spencer pushed past the larger man and reached out to grab the back of one of the kitchen chairs. He eased down into it, stretching out his right leg. He had to get this over with.

"What do you want for dinner?" Derek said, at the same time Spencer said, "We need to talk."

There was a beat of silence. "That's probably one of the most dreaded phrases in the English language."

"Fine. We have something to discuss." Spencer waved his hand toward the far side of the table, indicating for Derek to sit.

He heard the scrape of a chair on the floor and Derek sitting down heavily. He could practically hear the tension vibrating off of the older agent.

"So? What's this about?"

Spencer took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He wet his lips. "You know," he finally said.

Silence. "I really don't."

Spencer sighed. "Do I really need to spell it out for you? I think it's time for you to move out." Wow, he could have said that a lot better. He didn't mean to be such an asshole but it seemed like everything put him on edge lately and he really didn't see the point of niceties.

There was a very long pause before Derek said, "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Well, it's what I want, so it doesn't really matter what you think."

The chair moved again as Derek stood up from the table in a huff. "Why are you being like this? You've been making such good progress, full speed ahead, and suddenly you don't want my help anymore?"

Spencer felt horrible. "It's not…that," he said, forcing his voice to gentleness. "Of course I'm thankful for everything you've done for me. Moving in here and helping me find my way around, driving me to and from my physical therapy sessions…" _Being there for me in the middle of the night when I woke up screaming_. He would _not_ say that. It was something neither of them would acknowledge the next morning. "I just…I think I need to be on my own again. I think I'm ready."

"Look…kid…I know you are in great shape now and can find your way around this place like clockwork…"

"Exactly."

"But what if…you need something?" he finished lamely. Needed someone to drag him out of bed in the morning and make him face the world, is what he meant. Needed someone to make sure he ate three times a day, because otherwise Spencer was liable to find himself trapped in his own thoughts while the hours ticked by. "Besides, won't you be lonely?"

"I've lived on my own for years, Derek. This shouldn't be any different. Besides, you insist on spending any more nights on my couch and I am _not_ paying for your chiropractor bills."

"Har har. Look, you know I will do whatever you ask me to, but I'm not happy about this."

"You don't have to be. It's my decision."

He could hear Derek pacing back and forth across the kitchen floor now, mumbling under his breath. Obscenities, if Spencer had to guess. Finally the footfalls silenced and Spencer waited patiently for the older agent to speak. "Fine," he said, stiffly. "If that's what you really want then…then fine. I'll get my stuff together and be out of your hair by the end of the week." His tone was bitter, but Spencer knew he didn't mean for it to be. He was worried, not angry. And that's one of the reasons Spencer needed him to leave. Derek was constantly…_constantly_…worried about him.

Not that he didn't have reason to be.

"Tomorrow morning," the words hung heavy in the air.

Derek sighed, long and deep. "Tomorrow?"

Spencer gave a nod, forcing a look of determination onto his face.

Derek was kneeling before him, he could tell by the movement and sudden body heat near to his own. He captured Spencer's face in his hands, and Spencer wondered if Derek was looking into his unseeing hazel eyes. He wished he knew. More than anything, he wished he could see Derek looking back at him.

He swallowed a lump in his throat as Derek moved his thumbs gently over Spencer's cheeks.

"If you want me out tomorrow," the older agent said softly, "then I will leave tomorrow. Even though I don't think it's right to leave you alone. Even though it's not what I want to do."

Spencer tried to speak and had to clear his throat. "Thank you," he managed, his guilt swallowing him up.

He could be selfish and admit the truth…that he _wanted _Derek to stay with him. That he never wanted Derek to leave. But that would be undoing everything he had just set in motion; the first step to reclaiming his life.

Spencer felt the gust of Derek's warm breath on his cheek. Then, just as suddenly, the hands left his face and he knew the older agent was climbing to his feet. "Now," Derek said, signaling the end of the conversation. "What do you want for dinner? I know you're starving because you didn't eat breakfast or lunch."

Spencer scowled. Derek could always see right through him. "Doesn't matter to me," he said quietly.

"Kid, if you don't eat on the regular after I leave…"

"I will. What do you want me to do? Call you every time I sit down for a meal?"

"If I said yes would you report me for stalking?"

"Probably. You need to stop spending so much time worrying about me. I mean, there must be plenty to think about at work. The BAU gives you tons to agonize over every day. I shouldn't even cross your mind!" There was a sudden silence that dragged on for so long that Spencer shifted in his seat uncomfortably. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. "What?"

"Spencer…" Derek said softly. "I…uh…"

Spencer's heart was beating double time in his chest. "What is it?"

"I wasn't going to tell you yet, but now that you've decided to kick me out, I guess now's as good a time as any." There was an audible sigh. "I…Spencer, I...quit the BAU today."

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

_Warnings: Strong language and very mild smut._

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><p>The shock of Derek's words left Spencer dizzy, and it took him a moment to realize he had stopped breathing. He didn't hear footsteps and Derek didn't speak another word, clearly frozen in anticipation of Spencer's response. If he had any idea what to say it would have made the situation much easier to handle. As it was, he only knew one thing: he was pissed. He was totally, thoroughly, unequivocally pissed.<p>

"Why would you do such a thing?" When Spencer finally spoke his voice sounded weak, even to his own ears. He was still in partial disbelief.

He heard Derek sigh but the older agent didn't move. "I knew you wouldn't be happy with my decision."

"Damn straight, I'm not happy with it! Now can you at least tell me why you did it? What in the world possessed you to do something so completely stupid?"

"Hey, I know you're not supportive, but it is my decision," Derek's was becoming defensive. "I have seen too many people get hurt, too many people suffer, I just needed to get away."

"For how long?"

"I…don't know."

"Well at least you didn't just leave a note and take off like Gideon did," Spencer's voice was biting. That loss had cut him deep, and he never had gotten over it completely. Derek knew that.

"I would never take off without telling you," the older agent promised. "I swear."

"You are _still _not giving me a good reason for you decision. People get hurt every day, Derek. You know that. We both know that. But you also know how many people you have saved, and protected. You can't give up on that."

"Maybe it's not about the people out there," Derek's voice was low and it sounded as though he had turned away. "Maybe it's about…"

"The team?"

"Yes."

Spencer paused and he could feel the knot in his stomach growing. "This is about what happened to me, isn't it?" he said softly.

"Not…just what happened with the cave in," Derek said, "but yes that is part of it." He sighed. "There's more though. What about when Emily was almost killed by Ian Doyle? What about when Penelope was shot? What about when you were held hostage by Tobias Henkel, or when you were exposed to Anthrax…"

"Are you _kidding _me right now?" Spencer jumped to his feet. "You can't seriously blame yourself for everything that happens to us. How can you possibly expect to be everywhere at once, or know what is going to happen before it does?"

He heard the bang of Derek's fist on the counter top and jumped. "I could have stopped you from going into that cave with me in the first place!"

"Like _hell_ you could have!" Spencer stalked across the kitchen toward the sound of Derek's voice. He stopped when he felt the older agent rest his hands gently on his shoulders. Spencer shrugged him off harshly. "I know this may shock you to know, Derek, but I am an adult and I am capable of making my own decisions. I am…was…a field agent." His voice dropped at the end, an ache in his heart as he realized he would likely never be with his team in the field again.

"I know," Derek said. "I know you are capable of taking care of yourself. But my guilty conscience doesn't understand that, okay? I just need time away from the BAU. This is just what I need to do."

"You know, I may be the one who can't see but it seems like you're wallowing in more self-pity than I am." If Spencer could have seen Derek's face he would have wanted to slap it just now. This man was a moron if he couldn't understand how much the team needed him.

"Look, you may not understand this…"

"Damn right I don't."

"…but it's something I need to do."

"Why, so you can spend all of your time taking care of poor, invalid Spencer because it was your fault I was buried in a pile of rocks?"

"You know I want to take care of you, but that's not all of it."

"Well so far every excuse you've given me is bullshit," Spencer snarled. "In what possible universe could our team be better off without you than with you?"

"That's not…"

Spencer's heart pounded painfully against his ribs. "You are being incredibly, unbelievably selfish."

"Hey!"

"Shut up," he walked closer until he could feel Derek's body heat just before him. "You are. Not only are you putting the team in more danger by _not_ being with them…" he swallowed hard against a lump in his throat and realized that tears were threatening to bubble to the surface. "But you are walking away from something you are lucky enough to be a part of. Do you get that Derek?" He swallowed again. "You get to be a part of that team because you are strong and smart and in perfect health. Do you understand how lucky that makes you? How fucking lucky you are?" His voice was rising and he was embarrassed to feel hot tears spill over onto his cheeks.

"Spencer…"

"I'm still talking," he snapped. "You're being an asshole. Do you have any _fucking_ idea what I'd give to be back on the team right now?" That was the heart of it, and as he spoke the words he felt the crushing weight of his own grief. His voice was shaking despite his determination to stay strong. "_Do you? _Because more than anything in the world I want to be at the BAU with the team. I want to be out in the field, helping people, but I _can't_ because I can't fucking see and I probably won't ever again!"

"Spencer!" Derek caught him by the arms. "You don't know that!"

"Well whatever happens in the future, the truth right now is that I want to be there and I can't, and you could be and you won't. How the fuck can you reason that out Derek? It doesn't make any sense. I'm a fucking genius, and I don't understand it."

"It's not fair," Derek said, trying to pull him close. "I know it's not fair."

Spencer resisted, instead reaching out with the side of his fist and beating it against Derek's chest. He knew he wouldn't do much damage but it was at least a channel for his rage. "You get to be with the team and I don't," he said, hammering at Derek with his fist again. "You get to be in the field, and I don't. You get to help people and I don't. It's what I want more than anything in the world right now and you are just walking away. I don't understand it, Derek! I don't!"

"I'm sorry," Derek's voice sounded truly pained and he tried to pull Spencer close once more. "I'm sorry for what happened to you."

"Don't be sorry for _that!_" Spencer shouted, lashing out again, this time with both fists. "And you shouldn't be apologizing to me, you should be apologizing to Hotch, and Emily, and JJ, and Garcia, and Rossi." He hit him with both fists again. "You selfish prick!"

"You're right," Derek suddenly gasped out. "You're right. I know, I know I'm being selfish. I can't help it right now." It sounded as though tears were threatening his voice as well. He tugged Spencer gently again and this time the younger man let himself be maneuvered, until they were almost chest to chest. "I'm sorry," he said again, more quietly this time, and Spencer swallowed back a sob. "I'm sorry for…for being selfish. I'm sorry for leaving the team. I'm sorry for turning my back on the one thing you want more than anything else, and can't have." He crooked a finger under Spencer's chin. "But I'm not sorry for wanting to take care of you."

"You _saved_ me," Spencer said quietly, against the tears. "I can't ask you for anything else. I just want you to be happy, Derek. That's all I want. And I don't think you'll be happy if you walk away from the BAU."

Derek sighed and he leaned forward until his forehead was pressed against the younger man's. Spencer felt himself stiffen for a moment at the sensation, and then relax against him. "I'll think about it, okay?" Derek whispered. "Can you accept that…at least for a while?" He reached up and cupped Spencer's cheek.

"Okay," Spencer finally murmured, although it still felt like a fist was gripping his heart. "Since I'm a genius I know you'll agree with me eventually."

Derek chuckled, at last breaking some of the tension. "That you are, pretty boy. And I will always, _always_, trust you. But can you trust me as well?"

Spencer felt Derek's breath warm on his face and adrenaline shot through his body. "Yes," he murmured. It was all he could manage to say.

"You trust me?" Derek said again, softer this time.

Spencer swallowed hard, then licked his lips nervously. "Yes."

"Good."

Derek leaned forward and Spencer felt the sudden sensation of the older agent's lips on his own. He almost uttered a protest but held it back, instead falling into the kiss. He was unable to fight the desire that was suddenly burning through his veins, a desire that he didn't even know had existed until now. Had Derek known? He must have. But for how long?

Derek deepened the kiss, nudging Spencer's lips apart with his own, and their tongues mingled gently. Spencer found himself capturing Derek's face in his hands, suddenly willing to give himself over to reckless abandon. He had not had much experience with kissing, that was true, but he had enough to know that Derek was very, very good at it.

His heart was pounding with nervous energy now. Was this really happening, or was it some kind of crazy hallucination? He felt Derek's fingers carding through his hair and then gripping the locks. He gasped out in surprised pleasure and Derek's lips smiled against his own. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt this happy, their earlier argument forgotten as quickly as it had started. Only this moment mattered now, and Spencer felt as though he was floating.

Then it all went wrong.

He felt a sudden stab of pain in his head, there and then gone within an instant, and he couldn't help but flinch. Derek pulled back in concern. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah…yeah I'm fine." He leaned back in again, but as soon as their lips met the pain seared through him. This time he cried out and put a hand to his head. Then it was gone.

"Spencer, what's wrong?" he could tell Derek was worried now.

"I…don't know." Another flash of pain, this one excruciating, made Spencer's knees buckled and Derek caught him under the elbows before he went down.

"Spencer?"

"I…" he couldn't finish his thought. He was suddenly caught in mind numbing agony, and he let out a scream that mirrored the sensation inside his head. He had never felt pain like this before, not even when he had been in the midst of those terrible migraines, and this time it didn't subside. "Derek!" he said the name on an uncontrollable sob as he felt himself fall.

"_Spencer!_" Derek had him around the waist now and was sinking to the floor alongside him.

He couldn't tell if he was sitting, or lying on the ground, right side up or upside down, all awareness gone except for the unrelenting, searing agony. "Derek…help…" he thought he said the words aloud but he could have been wrong. "Oh, God my head. I'm _dying_." He was certain it was true. He grabbed at his hair, his hands in tight fists, wishing he could tear his skull open to release the pressure.

"Spencer…"

Was Derek speaking to him? It sounded as though the other agent was under water.

"…hospital right now…got you…"

He was pretty sure he was being lifted, and as the movement jarred his head he screamed in agony.

"I'm so sorry..."

He was moving. They were moving. Derek had him, everything was going to be fine. Even knowing this he couldn't stop the sobs that now wracked his body and he pressed his face into the fabric of Derek's shirt. He heard a door slam and the jolting of quick footsteps and the world reeled. Oh, god, he was going to pass out. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe he should.

"…hang on…hang on…"

Derek's voice was fading and he felt like he was floating, this time not at all like the pleasure of their earlier kiss, but like he was suddenly outside of his body. His head rolled against Derek's chest and he couldn't stop the movement.

"…going to be okay…"

_Just let go_, he told himself. Maybe he would never wake up again, but at least the pain would be gone, and he would do anything to be free of that right now. He tried to say Derek's name…he wanted to say he was sorry, because he knew the older agent would be pretty damn pissed if he didn't regain consciousness, but he couldn't force the words past his lips.

"…hang on…"

Derek was so far away now.

"…Spencer…"

_Sorry_, he thought. And then he knew nothing more.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

_Note: I really wanted to stay with Spencer's voice throughout this story, but I felt this chapter needed Derek's perspective as well. Very likely I will be jumping back and forth between the two going forward. Apologies for the long delay in posting. Work has been insane._

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><p>Spencer wished more than anything that he could speak at this moment, if only to let Derek know that the fight they had just had was ridiculous, and stupid, and a complete waste of time. If he had known he was only moments away from collapsing, and lord only knew what was going to happen now, there were a million other ways he could have spent the morning. And forefront in his mind was spending it in Derek's arms.<p>

From the smell of leather where he laid his head, and the jerky movements surrounding him, he was sure he was curled up in the back seat of a car. It was becoming difficult to hold back his already building nausea. The pounding in his head was fierce and unrelenting, and he dug his fingers into the seat of the car near his cheek.

"We're almost there, kiddo," it was Derek's voice, but it was hardly recognizable. He sounded so very, very far away, and absolutely terrified. Derek Morgan didn't do terrified.

Spencer clenched his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut tight against the pain. He wanted to tell Derek he was fine but he couldn't find his voice. Not only that, but it was very clearly not true.

"Stay with me, Spencer. You're going to be okay. Everything is going to be fine."

He could hear the desperation beneath the words, but he needed to believe them, because he was pretty sure his brain was breaking into a million pieces. If he could think straight at all he was sure he would be able to find a plausible reason, but all he could possible register right now was indescribable agony.

He felt the car lurch to a stop and heard the sound of the engine being killed. He wanted to pull himself upright but knew there wasn't a chance in Hell. A moment later, the car door opened, and then Derek was grabbing him and pulling him out of the car, lifting him into his strong arms. At the movement, Spencer's head reverberated with a fresh shock of pain and he cried out before burying his face in Derek's chest, cutting off a sob.

"I'm sorry," Derek's voice was agonized. "I'm so sorry, baby. We're almost there."

He was jostled again as the older agent took off toward the hospital, and Spencer heard the rumbling of voices as they burst through the door. The cacophony of sounds in the emergency room seemed to bombard him from all sides.

"Help!" Derek's voice boomed out, his chest vibrating against Spencer's cheek. "I need help!"

Voices grew closer now as people gathered around them and Spencer tried to shut himself off from the chaos, burying his face in Derek's chest.

"He collapsed…his head…"

"…how long…?"

"…got him here as soon as I could…"

"…need to move him now!"

There was shouting and then he was being lowered down onto something soft and realized it was a gurney. He tensed up, knowing he needed to trust the doctors but suddenly unable to let go of Derek. He twisted his fingers into the agent's shirt and held fast. "Derek…no…" he gasped the words.

Derek's voice was close to his ear. "It's going to be okay, baby. They're going to take care of you."

He strengthened his grip, desperate to keep the older agent close. "Please don't leave me."

"Shhh, I'm not going anywhere, kiddo. I'm going to wait right here. I'll be waiting for you."

There were hands grabbing at him now, pulling him away from Derek, and he cried out in fear. "No!"

"You're okay, Spencer. Let the doctor's take care of you." He could hear Derek's voice shaking, close to tears, as his fingers were pried off the older agent's shirt.

He wanted to keep resisting, but he didn't stand a chance. Any strength he was running on right now was pure adrenaline, and he was ready to collapse. His heart was pounding in his chest and his blood pulsing in his ears. He knew he had to trust the doctors, had to go with them, but he was fucking terrified. What if he didn't wake up? What if this was his last moment with Derek?

They won, eventually, and Spencer was laid out on the gurney, Derek being torn away from his grasp. He felt a hand stroking over his hair. "You're going to be fine, Spencer. I swear to you, everything is going to be okay. I'll be with you again soon."

"Derek…" his voice was fading. He felt a soft kiss on his forehead and reached out, but then they were moving, leaving Derek behind.

He felt hot tears on his cheeks, crying both from pain and fear. A sudden prick of a needle in his arm and he knew he would soon be unconscious whether he wanted it or not. He held fast to the memory of Derek's voice, to the feel of his touch, as he was pulled under deep. Finally, blessedly, the pain was gone.

X

Derek stood, and stared, unable to move a muscle in his body. He was fixed as rigidly as a statue to the spot where he had said goodbye to Spencer only a moment before, and he couldn't take his eyes off the swinging double doors at the end of the hall where his pretty boy had disappeared, surrounded by doctors.

He didn't know what to do. What was he supposed to do? He felt completely, utterly, lost and useless. The moment of Spencer's cry of pain and collapse onto the kitchen floor was playing over and over in his mind on an endless loop. After everything that had happened to the kid, how was this fair. _How was this fair?_

Hands clenched into fists, he forced himself to turn on his heels and make his way over to a row of uninviting plastic chairs. He slumped down among the group of people looking about as heartsick as he felt, and fished his phone out of his pocket with trembling fingers. There was only one person he could think to call.

She answered on the first ring. "Hey, my chocolate thunder." Her voice was perky as usual and he had to swallow hard against the lump in his throat. It felt strange to know that there were people out there in the world right now that didn't know Spencer Reid could be dying at this very moment.

He realized he hadn't replied when he heard a slightly worried, "Derek? Are you there?"

"Pen," his voice was rough and he cleared his throat. He didn't know what to say. "I…I need you."

She did an immediate 180 to mama bear mode. "Where are you?" she demanded. "What happened?"

"Can…can you meet me at the emergency room?"

"Derek, w_hat happened?"_

"It's Spencer. He…I…I was with him and he…"

"Is he okay?"

"I don't know…" when he said it out loud he felt a dam inside himself break. "He collapsed and…I don't know…"

"Morgan hang on, sweetie. I'll be right there. Don't you worry about a thing."

Derek couldn't find his voice again, could only nod, and snapped his phone closed.

The buzz of hospital activity still swirled around him, but he barely paid it any mind. It was amazing how even in the midst of so many people one could feel so completely and utterly alone.

TBD


	4. Chapter 4

_Note: Another chapter from Derek's perspective because this conversation really needed to happen. Also, I've said this before but please remember I have zip, zero knowledge of the medical field so please don't hold inaccuracies against me...I'm in this for the emotional outcome only. If you notice a grammatical error, however, that's fair game :)_

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><p>Derek didn't know how long he had been sitting in the hard plastic chair in the hospital waiting room, hunched over and staring out into space, when he felt a hand lightly squeeze his shoulder. Before he even looked up, he knew it was Garcia. When their eyes met he could see his grief reflected in her own, despite the small smile of assurance she struggled to give him.<p>

She slipped into the seat next to him and began to rub small circles on his upper back. "What happened?" she asked softly.

Derek rubbed his hands over his face and took a deep breath. He wished he knew how to answer that question. "We were at Spencer's place," he finally answered. "We were in the kitchen…arguing. He just started screaming about his head and collapsed." His eyes were blurred by tears when he looked back to Garcia. "This was so much worse than when he was having those migraines he was trying to hide. I don't think I've ever seen someone in that much pain."

Garcia's face was all sympathy. "Were they able to tell you anything?"

Derek shook his head. Everything had happened so fast it all seemed like a blur. One minute they had been arguing and _kissing_—had that really happened?—in Spencer's kitchen, and now here he was sitting in a hospital waiting room wondering if his boy genius was going to be alright. "I should ask," he said. Why hadn't he been pestering everyone in sight to find out what was happening? Why was he just sitting here this whole time, like he was in shock?

_Because you _are_ in shock._

It was time to snap out of it. Spencer needed him. He started to stand, but a hand caught his wrist and he looked down to see Garcia's electric blue-tipped fingers wrapped around his arm. "Sit down," she said gently. "I brought JJ with me. She'll find out what's going on, okay?"

He looked over to the front desk where he saw a petite blonde in what looked to be a heated conversation with a rather distraught looking nurse. He sank back into his chair. "She's a little scary when she get's like this, isn't she?"

Garcia hummed in amusement. "You may all be my babies, but ever since Jayje had Henry she has put me to shame." She moved her hand down to Derek's and squeezed his fingers. "Don't you worry, she'll get answers for us."

Derek leaned forward with a sigh, rubbing his free hand over his forehead. "How did we get here?" he asked.

"To this hospital, or was that rhetorical?"

"I don't know…maybe both." He turned his head to look up at Garcia. "Not only could I not keep Spencer from getting hurt, now he won't even let me help him and he wants me out of his life."

Garcia blinked at him from behind her thick-rimmed glasses. "I can't believe that's true, sweetie."

"Well when I showed up at his place tonight he was all ready to kick me out. Acted like I had been smothering him or something."

Garcia just looked at him, her bright red lips pursed.

"_What?_"

"Was this accusation unfounded?"

"Uh, well…"

"I'm not the only over-protective one sitting in this waiting room, and I'm not talking about JJ either. You think maybe you're trying to overcompensate a bit for the fact that you feel so guilty about Spencer getting hurt, even though everyone you know has told you _repeatedly_ that it wasn't your fault?"

He shrugged. "I can't help it. I still feel responsible."

"That's because you're a good person, and you care about him."

Derek swallowed hard. "I think it was my fault he collapsed too."

"Derek, _stop_."

"No, I'm serious." He sat back up in his seat, turning fully to face her. "Just before he collapsed we were arguing, and not just about me moving out." She looked at him in confusion. "I…I told him that I had quit the BAU."

"So you're still sticking with that story, huh?"

"Well it's true and he was going to find out eventually."

"I'm not even going to tell you for the millionth time how completely idiotic I think you're being, but you could _not_ have possibly thought that Spencer would support this decision."

"No…I didn't. I just…I didn't think he would take it this hard."

"Why wouldn't he when he sees his best friend hurting?"

"He's the one who was hurt."

Garcia rolled her eyes. "Morgan, you know I love you, but you are a complete moron."

"Hey!"

"I'm going to tell you right here, right now, why you quit the BAU."

"I've already told you."

"No, you've given bullshit excuses." He started to speak but she pointed an electric blue fingernail at him to shut him up. "Do you feel responsible for Spencer getting hurt even though it wasn't your fault? Yes. Are you scared that you could let someone else down? Yes. But you also quit because you know how much being on that team means to Spencer, and you felt terrible keeping a job that he could no longer perform, one you were afraid he would follow you back to."

This time Derek didn't even bother to try to correct her, just opened his mouth and then closed it again. This woman needed to stop being right all the time. It was completely unnerving.

"Do you realize why that is so completely stupid?"

"Uh…"

"For two very good reasons. One, you are making Spencer feel even worse about himself by giving up on something that he knows is so important to both of you. Two, and you need to listen very carefully to this, Spencer is _going_ to come back to the BAU, and when he does he will expect you to be there."

"What? Garcia what are you talking about?"

"Oh my God, Derek." She took his face in her hands and leaned close to him. "I love you dearly but you can be really thick. Why in the world do you think Spencer would quit a job that means so much to him? Because he can't see anymore?"

"But he was yelling at me...telling me how unfair it was...that he would give anything to be back on the team..."

"Of course he would! And that's why he's doing everything in his power to get his life back to normal! He's working so hard to get back to the BAU, and at the same time you're turning your back on it. It's an insult to everything he has been going through. Yes, I know this whole situation has been completely devastating; there is no question about that. And yes, you have been absolutely wonderful to him this whole time, but why the hell would you assume that Spencer wouldn't do everything he possibly could to go back to his job?"

"Well…he was a field agent. I know it was important to him, getting to that point, and that's not something he can do if he can't see…"

"So you thought he was just going to give up?"

"No…I…."

"With or without his eyesight, Spencer is an asset to our team. Whether or not he can carry a gun, we need him with us. Hotch knows that. You've been assuming, maybe even _hoping_ this whole time that Spencer would pick another career path, and you wanted to make sure you weren't an every day reminder of what he used to be. You didn't even think that he had been planning to go back to work this whole time; that he was looking forward to it. And then you just throw your career away?"

Derek turned away. He couldn't look her in the eyes anymore. He sat there staring out at the white walls of the emergency room and blinked several times, the clarity slowly beginning to dawn. "Jesus...I _am _a moron…"

"Ding! Ding! Ding!"

He turned back to her and narrowed his eyes. "I love you but you can be annoyingly perceptive."

"Its part of my charm. Now instead of trying to push Spencer away from what he wants, and quitting your job and effectively making both of you miserable, why don't you help him by doing what you love and encouraging him to do the same? What he needs now more than anything is for you to help him build his confidence back up."

"You make it sound so easy."

"It _is_."

"But _now?_" Derek demanded, gesturing toward the double doors at the end of the room that led to the hospital beyond. "What about now? I don't even know what's wrong with him this time!"

"So you find out, you help him through it, and you two go back to being as normal as you can possibly be."

"And if he doesn't get better this time?"

"Don't make me smack you. I love you too much. You know you can't think that way."

Derek put his head in his hands once more and let out a long sigh. "Why didn't you tell me all of this a long time ago?"

"I was hoping you would figure it out on your own," Garcia said dryly, "but I know when it's time for me to throw in the towel and step in."

"Well…thanks…" he said quietly. "You really know how to put all the cards out on the table."

"Just trying to help." She leaned over and kissed his cheek.

He smiled for the first time in a very long time. "Thanks, Pen. I think I'm finally starting to see everything clearly."

"Well…maybe not everything…"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

At that moment they both looked up to see JJ walking purposefully toward them. "Finally got some answers," she said.

Derek and Garcia both stood up to meet her. "Well?" Derek demanded. "What's going on?"

"Okay, first of all you need to take a deep breath before I tell you this, because the last report the nurse received is that Spencer is stable."

"Ok," Derek said. "That's good news. Now tell us the bad news."

JJ's lips quirked, as though she was trying to give a smile of reassurance but couldn't quite manage it. "It was a chronic subdural hematoma," she said quietly, her eyes on Derek's. "Likely from Spencer's head injury during the cave in, but it was so minor it was practically imperceptible. It has been gradually bleeding more and more over the past month or so…until finally…"

Derek looked away quickly, feeling as though he was going to be sick. "So this whole time…this whole time that he was home and we thought he was getting better..."

"He _has_ been getting better," JJ assured him. "There was no way to know this was coming on. He may have been having headaches for weeks now but thought nothing of it because of his history with migraines."

"And he didn't tell me?"

"He probably just didn't want to worry you."

Derek looked back up, pinning her with his gaze. "Yeah, well, now I'm worried. So what are they doing about it?"

JJ reached down and took his hand. "They've drained the pressure…they're repairing the damage…it sounds like he's going to be out of surgery soon and they are very optimistic about his recovery."

Derek sighed. "Well that's good at least."

"Derek?" Garcia touched his arm. "I'll go get you a cup of coffee okay? You should be there when he wakes up. He'll want that."

Derek quirked a smile. "Even though before he collapsed he was ready to smack me?" _Or kiss me into oblivion…_

Garcia smiled. "Yes, even though." She pecked his cheek with another kiss. "He won't be mad at you when he wakes up. Trust me."

"With your track record, baby girl? It's impossible not to."

_TBC_


End file.
